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Archive for August, 2009

Sunday was a difficult day for me. I woke up feeling really bad about myself, my worst ego stories back to haunt me. How do I write about that in a blog?

I found the lesson 235  difficult:~ God in His mercy wills I be saved .  The instructions were:~  “I need but look upon all things that seem to hurt me, and with perfect certainty assure myself  God wills I be saved from this and merely watch them disappear”.  How easy is that?! I felt resistance and disbelief in my soul and how I couldn’t even bear to look at what seemed to bothering me.  I kept repeating to myself, “God wills that I be saved”…yet judging myself for my agitation.

Then I looked again at the lesson. And read “God in his mercy wills that I be saved”. Suddenly I felt such a LOVE surrounding me and giving me the courage to LOOK more honestly, and without judging, what was seeming to hurt.  This gave me a new meaning to mercy. Beyond guilt, beyond being in the compassionate power of another.  (dictionary definitions).

I know there is no reason not to be happy or filled with love in every moment, so if and when I don’t feel that way I have often been very tempted to blame and judge myself for feelings of depression, unworthiness, hate or guilt. Here the lesson tells us to simply keep in mind “my Father’s Will for me is only happiness, to find that happiness comes to me”.  Again, I resisted this thought. It had to be harder or more complicated than that!

But lesson 236 follows so beautifully reminding us in every moment that we have a choice:~ I rule my mind, which I alone must rule. If I keep in mind God wants me to be happy, then there isn’t any room in my mind for my ego to take control and try to do it her way!  When I acknowledge my own holy Spirit, and decide to let that true Self be in charge, then I can relax and enjoy the ride.  I might have to remind myself many, many times during the day, who is in charge.

Lesson 237, Now would I be as God created me. Light, Love, Life.

Today, I can accept I am the Light of the world, and join with all parts of consciousness in that awareness:~ those who know it already, those who are wanting to open to it, and those who still are the light, but may not yet realise it. I can choose the Light is what I am going to see in them, whoever they are.

The Light of God is “shimmering on the horizon of consciousness”. Let it arise today, in you and me, and everyone.

Blessings!    Annie.

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I wrote two entries commenting on the lesson for yesterday, but did not have time to post them, so here they are a day later!

Annie, with my mum.

Son? Father? I know for many these words feel like big obstacles, especially for all us daughters of Goddess.  But really whether we are male or female is irrelevant, because our gender is already part of duality, part of separation.

Mother, today, I am your Daughter again.  It doesn’t matter about the words….. they are second or third hand removed from Truth anyway…. It’s the feeling ~ of an all loving, caring, nurturing, protective, omnipresent, powerful, strong presence, that gave us birth and who only wants happiness and loving experiences for us.

Language itself is part of separation, so I am not going to be offended by a word:~ that Son is used, (note capital S) to describe the presence of Love that I am, and is inside every human being, dead or alive. In fact is in the only thing about us that is real, that endures, that exists in eternity, beyond time and space.

Son of God, One of God. I like that Son rhymes with One. The Holy One of God. There is only One of us here.

Second thought….

The prayer today is a prayer of gratitude:~

“We thank You, Father, that we cannot lose the memory of You and of Your Love…. We give thanks for all the gifts you have bestowed on us”.

In fact, as Ken Wapnick says in commentary on today’s lesson:~ “The only thing missing is our awareness of God’s Love”.

And through practicing Gratitude, our Heart’s Door opens to Love. It really works if we do it!  (Robert Holden also suggests writing One Hundred Gratitudes:~ things we are grateful for, and why, in his wonderful new book Be Happy).

One of the deep blessings of my life is that, as a child, my mother (in photo with me above, a few years ago)  would come and kneel with me at bedtime, by my bed, (and get my Dad to come too!) and we would say a short prayer. It always began with “Thank you God, for a lovely day!” What a wonderful gift in the education of the habit life of my mind.

Thank you God. Because You Are, I Am. Because of You, I Live! Thank You God, for creating me like You, the Loving Presence that pervades all things.  Thank You God, for all the countless blessings of my life.

Thank you God, for the freedom You have given me, so that whatever I think, I create. “I am resonsponsible for the life I see”.

Thank you God, for the everything that I am. “I already have everything because I am everything”.

Thank you God, for giving me the gift of the Holy Spirit.  That presence in my mind who understands my separate ego self, and how knows how to take me Home, and is doing so in the perfect way for me.

Thank you God for giving me the gift of Peace. That already exists in me and pervades my world and brings eternity and Heaven right here.

Thank you God, for the Oneness that I am.  That as far as my mind can reach, in my imagination, as I picture this world, and all the myriad people and situations and aspects of nature, there I Am.

Thank you God, that I have nothing to fear, because when I look out into the world, there is only Love, looking back at me.

Thank you God, for Bella, who showed me how to start this blog, and encouraged me to do this.

And thank you to all of you who are reading this, and sharing in the journey of opening to Love’s Presence.

Annie.

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Am I willing to receive a “Love whose tenderness I cannot comprehend”? W.233.1.7.

I have given my life to God for years! At least I thought I had.

I remember, years ago, long before I had ever opened the ACIM book, I was on retreat, staying in the peaceful guest lodge of a Nunnery on the Isle of Wight.

Every day the host nun would come to visit. I would come out of my room, hastily closing the door behind me, hoping she would not see my “pagan” circle of pine cones and branches, I had laid on the floor, and in which I sat each day, waiting “on the Presence”, drawing my feelings with pastel colours, meditating, singing…..

The nun and I would sit together in the sitting room and talk. We were the same age, had both been to university, and had lots to share, in terms of our search for Truth. I was on retreat for typical reasons, unhappy living with my boyfriend, frustrated with my work, feeling like my spiritual life was not progressing……most of all some kind of perpetual broken heart.  She asked me if I had given my relationship to God? I was shocked by her question…..I had always felt some kind of competition between my spiritual life and my relationship/sex life…..True, I was using all kind of self help books, and had seen therapists to try to find out what was “wrong with me” that I had never been married…. But I realised I actually didn’t trust God with this huge part of my life, in fact I realised it was a question of either/or.

Well that was fourteen years ago….. and thanks to the teachings of ACIM, I am much more able to give every aspect of my life, my whole self to God, and not feel it is a competition, or that I know better how to run my life, or imagine I know would make me happy.  This morning, in the meditation on the lesson, I found it hard to concentrate, so I began to pray, in my own words about how I wanted to give my life to God, and let Holy Spirit be my guide in EVERYTHING today.  And then I suddenly remembered how giving and receiving are the same….. so if I was giving my life, my work, my relationship life, the friend I was meeting today, decisions I had to make today, my toothache….etc what was I receiving?  Am I open to receive the life that I am giving? Am I willing to hear and allow God, that holy Presence of Love, guide my life? Am I willing to receive a “Love whose tenderness I cannot comprehend”?

Giving our life to God to guide, is not about the relentless shopping list the ego makes of our lives, and expecting Holy Spirit to make it all nice and successful….. it’s truly about letting go “the to do” list, and concentrating on that Presence of Love in everything, and allowing THAT to guide each day.

Blessings on your day, dear companion,  let Love lead us today.  Annie.

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As I contemplated this lesson today, I felt a glimpse of a place in me that knows I have done nothing wrong, is truly innocent.  I also accepted I could stop judging myself ~ like a chink in the armouring of self attack that is so subtle I don’t even realise I am doing it, most of the time.

More importantly I realised, anew, I really could stop “condemning” others. I could stop the endless list of judgements I make, even about my friends. What a relief in my mind when the storm stops!

The minute I can let go of condemning myself, truly, it is not possible to condemn anyone else, because we are one self!

Blessings, and beautiful Sunday to you all!!!  Annie.

ps I put the word “innocent” in italics because it is one of those ACIM words that I am exploring. I find that it is offering something experiential, deeper than a dictionary definition.

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August 15th, 2009.

Today’s lesson 227. This is my holy instant of release.

I have often put ACIM’s “holy instant” together in my mind with the idea of the power of now.  I thought it was something to do with being completely present, that would enable me to dive through into the holy Presence.  But today I saw it differently.

The instant we manage to let go of our identity with and our valuing of this world of suffering and self attack, the instant we realise our will never has been separate and differentiated from God’s, in that instant something happens. We are released, and we enter an entirely different world. One where time:~ past, the present now, future, simply doesn’t exist.  And there is only LOVE, which is God’s Will and our will, because it is what we are.

And we do have the chance in every moment to decide:~  Do I want to stay in my never ending story of my unique self, or do I want to step into my right mind, be one with God, and know my will is nothing but Love?  This is the holy instant, the choice, it is not about time.

“Holy Spirit, I give you this day. Show me how to completely let go of my world of fear and pain. In this instant, I choose to be one with my own true Self, and open to the only Will that’s real, the only life that is ~ and thus I am released”.

Thank you beloved. Thank you for listening.

Annie.

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