Archive for October, 2009

a tsunami of love

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t written my blog for a while.

I had computer troubles that held me up, and then I hit a phase of intense self revelation  and quite honestly, I wasn’t sure how to share that in my blog.  But here goes.

 I am not sure how it is for those of you reading this, who also study A Course in Miracles ~ but ever since I started doing the work on a daily basis,  (in 2003) I have experienced spiritual “bombshells” from time to time. This is when some obstacle to my awareness of Love’s Presence has come to the light and dissolved.  Sometimes this is the result of days, (weeks, months, years!) of prayerful intention and then “POOf”! and some block has gone. Oftentimes it is more spontaneous and the trail to the revelation seemingly unknown to me.   Some of this undoing has happened through conversations with my dear friend and mentor Tom Carpenter.

 In a recent conversation with him, a belief I had held, that I certainly had no idea I held, came to light. I heard myself saying “I don’t believe God is interested in me”. I was SHOCKED to hear myself say that, but the intensity of the emotion that went with it made me know this belief was true.  It certainly explained the accusations I have made over the years towards certain lovers or some family members that they weren’t  interested in me.

 In the aftermath of this revelation, and my continuing willingness to open to knowing the whole of me was loved, I felt like a massive wall inside me was crumbling uncontrollably, and behind it was a tsunami of Love.

 I justified this belief (that God isn’t interested in me) as a logical extension of the idea that God doesn’t see us or know us as separate individuals. He only knows our perfection as the Oneness. However I am realising that actually this belief was just another cunning way for my ego to hide its guilt.

 I had forgotten the power and the presence of the gift God placed inside us expressly because of His utter Love for us. The gift is often known as the Friend, and in Course in Miracles language is often, also, called the Holy Spirit. Even though I work consciously with the Holy Spirit every day, I had this belief buried below the surface as a defence and was unaware it was there, or how it was limiting my life experiences!

 One of my intentions at the moment is to be more willing and open to hearing the Holy Spirit, or Voice for God. Perhaps this is why I have had this revelation?!  I accept that God is talking to us all the time, so if we think we can’t hear guidance, it is because, actually, we don’t want to.  I decided to change my attitude.

 Anyway, the day before I discovered this mistaken belief, and this edifice began to fall, I heard that my mum was going to have major, serious surgery ~ the third operation this year. I had been strong and brave about the others, but this time my defences began to crumble.  I had been holding in my awareness that in Truth, nothing can happen to us, we cannot die, be harmed or injured in anyway ~ that our real relationship with each other will never change.  I do know this is true, but somehow, part of me was hiding and using this belief as a defence, rather than letting it be a wholly living experience.

 The morning of the day I spoke to Tom, I was at a group meeting in my village of Forest Row.  This is an open group called Understanding, (organised by our local C of E vicar) where people of different faiths and beliefs come together to listen to each other’s views on spiritual or philosophical topics. The theme that morning was “why are we here?”. I was espousing the idea that there is no death in response to a question a woman had asked me directly “what do you think happens when you die?” Then I started talking about my mum, and telling how I was practicing getting to know her now, as Spirit, like she will be when she dies. This lovely woman sitting opposite me, who had asked me the question, interrupted my flow, in the most loving way by telling me to stop theorising ideals and “just love her ~   She just needs your love”.  My tears, and her loving intervention, melted my pride, resistance, and fear.

 The Holy Spirit was speaking to me, through her, and through my friend Tom, in the evening.  There is nothing about us not to love, no time, no gap, no separation, no event, no wall, no defence needed.

 Describing Love as a tsunami of course indicates the fear that I might be obliterated by Love, but all that will dissolve is my fear and guilt.  As Tom wrote afterwards:~ “no matter how desperately we try to feel unloved, being unloved is something we cannot bring about”.

 Will you join me dear reader, in the intention to know how fully and wholly we are loved, loving and capable of loving?

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